Being Edward Cullen

Posted: June 25, 2010 by gustafhesse in Fan Fiction Corner, Twilight, Twilight, Vampires
Tags: , ,

You, Edward Cullen, know you have arrived when:

1. Women have wanton carnal fantasies about you and write odes to your sparkly cock.

2. Teenage girls and grown women, who really should know better, mourn the fact that you exist only in books. This does not deter these lusty wenches though, as fan fics are written and fan videos are made where you live on in glorious salacious techni-colour imagination.

3.  British actor, Robert Pattinson is chosen to play you, the 107 year-old virgin, in the Twilight movies. In your fans’ imagination, Robert Pattinson, or rather Rpatz as he is known to his fans, becomes inter-twined with you. You, Edward Cullen, now have the kudos of Rpatz representing you on celluloid. Newsprint, celebrity blogs, chat-rooms and Facebook are ablaze with exchanges about your touseled broze hair, your cheek-bones, your crotch (yes, even your crotch is zeroed in upon) and your green eyes.

4. Heated debates about who is the sexier vampire ensue on the internet, chat-rooms and Facebook. Polls are taken on who is the better vampire. Is it Edward Cullen or Eric Northman? Women and girls fantasize about you turning them into a vampire.

5. In the fan fiction universe, you live on in an highly imaginative alternate reality. In that universe, you have become all things to all women. You have become: 

~ A tattoed and pierced human (e.g. Clipped Wings and Inked Armour ).

 ~ Alternately either a sparkly or dark, blood thirsty, libidinous vampire (e.g. Lions Eat Lambs, A Life Extraordinary, Ultio, Hide and Drink, Incubus Anomaly, And With Thee Fade Away, Abbracciare il Cantante, Bonne Foi, Dark Games and Twisted Minds, Dark Possession, Irritable Grizzly Adams, Stranger Than Fiction). Oh yes, in the fan fiction universe, you’ve grown up. You are no longer the 107 year-old virgin. Here in this land, you have become the vampire that women lust after. Dark, lusty, possessive, blood thirsty and full of hidden depths.

~ A lusty hockey-player (e.g. The Misapprehension of Bella Swan, Major Misconduct)

~ A knife-wielding street-fighter, a Mafia Prince, a stone-cold killer and undercover FBI agent (The Handcuff Bracelet, Emacipation Proclaimation and The Emperors of Washington, The Lion and the Jackal, Wicked Angel)

~ A man obsessed, broken and haunted by darkness, whether by his past or taunted by his own inner demons (Company Loves Misery, Catching Spiders, How to Save a Life, Hit by Destiny, Hydraulic Level5, The Blessing and the Curse, Caravaggio, Mutually Assured Destruction, Stampede of a Thousand Pulses).

~ A Southern loving, trailer-living rock-a-billy lusty vampire perpetually in a state of priapic tumescence given to voluptuous prose who trails after the object of his obsession, Bella, a taxidermist in training (Dead Confederates).

~ A biker, a private investigator, a Mougar, a photographer with a personal harem, Professor, a Senator (Edward Cullen Dick for Hire, Relative Wind, Devil’s Angel, Edward Wallbanger, The Education of Professor Cullen, The University of Edward Masen, The Gentleman of Washington State).

A Dom (The Dominant, Master of the Universe) who explores the more hidden depths of earthly desires.

The list goes on but suffice it to say, you fulfill their erotic fantasies. You become the mirror on which myriad narratives are explored. You, Edward Cullen, vampire and Twilight character, have managed to inspire the imagination in unimaginable ways.

You have succeeded in becoming the canvas upon which issues and fantasies are explored. A safe haven where erotic, dark and sensual fantasies are moored. Freud, Stoker and Jung would be proud.

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